You Can't Get There From Here

Experiences

 Was it ever going to end any other way?  One of the major bugbears of anyone travelling to a major event is "Why are they all in London?  It's a long way from me!" (of course, the rail network is specifically designed for no other reason than to get from Anywhere to London quickly).  CAMRA have found out why the big stuff happens in London.  In moving the Great British Beer Festival to the NEC in Birmingham, they turned a moderately unprofitable event into a six-figure loss-maker.  And based on the attendance figures, it will likely be the last of its kind.

That sound you're hearing right now is the CAMRA National Executive tightening its belt.  The £320k shortfall at the GBBF has no doubt resulted in it being pulled a few more notches than otherwise intended at the start of this financial year.  The savings targets are what you'd expect - moving printed matter to digital, and vague talk of "being leaner", "streamlining" and ending "nice to haves".

If we're being honest here, the financial climate in the UK has not been great for a long time, so it's surprising CAMRA hasn't seen this looming over the horizon for a while.  Discretionary spending is down, and prices in pubs have only been going up.  But CAMRA's main enemy is simply the passing of time.

CAMRA's membership, despite the impression you'd get from the literature and posters, has skewed to the elderly for some considerable time.  I've heard I'm in the youngest 20% of members - and I'm 50 in three months.  There's always been churn as the older members, well, die off.  The problem in recent years is they're not being replaced.  The org's traditional recruitment method was to get people into beer festivals and sign them up to a direct debit (a practice frowned upon by even the rapacious Street Fundraising companies, but I'll let that slide for now), but as Beer Fest numbers decline, so do the potential new members.

Average cask ale drinkers

The "Young People" (by which I mean the under-40s) CAMRA want to attract rarely go to things like Beer Fests.  They have a reputation as being infested with middle-aged, drunken, bigoted and sexist dinosaurs.  If the Millennials drink at all, it's either at home or quiet times where they can use their phones in a corner.  And as for CAMRA's offer?  If you become one of the desperately-needed "active volunteers", the activities offered are a combination of an OAP's charabanc and a 70s trade union branch meeting.  As a result, CAMRA will likely be moribund within the next decade.

I did joke on X yesterday that maybe CAMRA could make up the losses by sending membership forms to the UK's retirement homes and sheltered housing schemes.  But on consideration, I think these are the only people who would seriously consider joining now.

News in Brief #38

You can see the signs. Just don't TOUCH them

Top Beer Writer Does Kipling

"If you can extol the virtues of Craft Beer while making most of your money from corporate tastings and marketing advice.

If you often refer back to your Eighties youth about being mocked for listening to New Order and Morrissey, but your former peers now say they liked the same as you did when you know very well they actually preferred Tears For Fears and Duran Duran.

If you can constantly say London is dying, but won't move away despite everywhere else being cheaper to live in and making no difference to whether you can write your crowdfunded book or not (though it is further from those Drinks Corporation HQs you don't talk about).

If you go anywhere in the world, and can get into some kind of fracas about beer dispense, temperature, knowledge or barstaff being less than polite to your friends due to misunderstandings.

And if you can do all that and say afterwards you don't like being a dick about it all...then you'll be Britain's Top Beer Writer, my son"

"<GASP!> A half pint dimple mug!"

Pub Glass Hoard Discovered

Last week, West Midlands County archaeologists were stunned upon being informed by the police of a 10,000 plus cache of stolen glassware in a Wolverhampton terraced house. "We believe this is the largest find of these items ever found in this country." wittered overexcited field type Mick Trowelsifter.

"I was called yesterday to this long unoccupied dwelling," continued Mick "and I peered through the letterbox. I was asked what I saw. 'Wonderful things', I replied"

"Take this glass here. An excellent example of a 1962 Nonik. These can fetch anywhere between 50p to £1 at auction now. A quick glance through the collection revealed that these items have been stolen from Black Country pubs over a 50 year period. Also unearthed were glass concealment paraphernalia, such as big coats with large pockets and thick plastic carrier bags."

"I've yet to find any beer festival glasses yet. My hypothesis is that the collector would actually have had to pay for them. Our plans are to put this collection on a touring exhibition documenting pointless petty theft in the 20th Century."

Minutae-lovers and obsessives Bake and Bowley were called in to bring their expertise for the item recording "Sadly, we've still not found that octagonal pint we've been looking for since 2010. But there are another 6 rooms left to sort through."

"We should be done by 2022."

You'll be sorry when there's no more cask beer. Yes, sorry.

Keg Filth Takes Over CAMRA Fest

Attendees at the 2016 Manchester Beery Festival last weekend were shocked to find the organisers had allowed some local brewers to set up a keykeg bar. "It's disgraceful," muttered Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake "It goes against everything that we as an organisation stand for."

"I was so incensed," ranted Greg "That I stood next to this Keg bar muttering about excess carbonation, icy coldness and dead yeast cells to those punters who asked for the beers. Not that I tried it myself, of course. Quality is immaterial anyway."

We asked hackneyed metaphor personification Thinend O'Wedge what its plans were "It's excellent!", it said.

"Now we've got keg into a CAMRA beer festival, it won't be long before I can get my Corporo-Beer chemical fizz minions to install these bars at every place in the country.  And once that's done, I can simply abolish Real Ale."

"My aim is to have everyone drinking Watney's Red Barrel again by the end of 2017.  It will be 2% abv and cost £5 a pint. And those complacent idiots who let keg in will be on their knees, crying. Bwah-ha-ha-ha!"

Local pub landlord WorStonch told us when he heard about this "Murst real ale's fuckin' crap man, y'knaa.  I'm doon the Schloss, on my 18th pint of tank Pilsner Urquell."

"Keg is fuckin' greeeyat, man!"

News in Brief #37

We don't need Beer and we're happy about it

Beer Fest Failure Blamed on New Limits

Last Saturday night, the 2016 Manchester Beery Fest closed with 85% of the beer still undrunk. The event's organisers have blamed new Government guidelines for the disappointing sales.

Deputy Fest Manager Hamish McTand sorrowfully recounted the four day disaster to us while tipping cask after cask into the River Irwell "Och, it looked guid when we let the bastards in on Wednesday afternoon. But after one pint, they all said 'Sorry, got tae go, as ah've had 2 units I'm allowed today'. It was awfy bad. We were empty by 6pm."

"Me and the rest of the volunteers would have finished the beer off," whispered McTand "But we'd blown our units quality checking. Intae the drain it goes, then."

Campaigner and freedom-wisher Mudgie Mudgington told us "Normally I'd spend all week condemning all involved on Twitter. But I picked up some cheap stuff at Home Bargains last week."

"Leave the house and go to Deansgate? Not bloody likely."

Coming soon to a pub near you. If you're really unlucky

Craft Fan Talks to People in Pub

"Oh, THAT beer? I saw it in the Bottle Cap in Southport last week. Much better kept of course. I'm friends with the owner. Great guy. Gives me lots of free samples of his strong stuff. What's that darling? He just wants rid of me? Pay no attention to her, she just doesn't like me drinking too much.

" Yeah, so me and the Bottle Cap's owner, Sam his name is, went on a tour of Random Brick down in London. Great times. Some people say their lager's no better than Foster's but they have a much better recipe. I'll give you one of my sample bottles they gave me next time you're in. You'll be able to tell the difference right?

"Tell you want, I'll have another pint of that Imperial IPA and a taster for my new friend, please Dave. What's that, darling? I've had enough today? I'll be the judge of that, darling. We'll talk about this when we we get home.

" Take no notice of her. I know what I'm talking about. Yeah, you can really taste the Soriachi Ace hops in this, man. Sorry, man? Untappd says it's 100% Willamette?.... "

Diversity for the diverse, man

Bar Enacts Diversity Policy

Camden-located Hipster hangout The Bifurcating Bonobo last week congratulated itself in it's efforts to increase the diversity of it's patrons. Worried that it was gaining a reputation as a place exclusively for middle-class university-educated young white men, manager Luke Lumberjack-Shirt decided to change things.

"I was worried," confided Luke "that the drinks offer of beer at £6 for 2/3rds of a pint may not entice the working classes into my establishment. So I bought a case of Corona and stuck it in the bottom corner of the fridge. I heard the lower orders always look down so as to be humble in front of their betters."

Luke continued "Also knowing our entertainment offering of retro boardgames would be of little interest to them, I set up a TV in the backroom streaming episodes of Jeremy Kyle and Big Brother. I hear they're rapt by these things."

"In any event, it'll save me having to talk to them. I mean, what would I actually say to the working classes? It's embarrassing.  Hopefully they'll leave once we've taken a few photos to prove we're not a poncy, snob-filled place and put them on Twitter."

Communicator and passive-aggresivist Curt Mattis ranted upon hearing this news "It was me what started all this wasn't it? I'll take credit for it here, but delete my name off all subtweets on this #thanxkbye"

EvilKegFest 2015

Drinkin' the Evil Keg #12

I write this to not to say that IndyManBeerCon is awful, because it isn't. I write this to say that I am no good at it.

In retrospect, maybe a crowded event in an echoey disused swimming baths wasn't the best option for my personal comfort, but you can't say I don't try.

As I admitted before the event, I'm not really a social bunny.  While I saw many "Beer Communicators" going to every table and chatting away to whomever looked like they were involved in Brewing (and possibly blocking the way for people who just wanted a Beer), that's not really the way I operate. I don't possess the requisite social skill to carry that off without awkwardness or embarrassment.

Due to sheer amount of people and noise, I was quite anxious for the majority of the three hours I was there. Pictured in the above photo was one of the few spots I could actually stay still for a few seconds without having to move for somebody. But not for long.

On the plus side, the beer was very good (or at least the ones I had were), and the people who recognised me ("No, I'm somebody else with a porno tache and paisley shirt" etc.) were nice, even if some were probably put off by my awkward and nervous body language (I'm told I do that).

This has been difficult to write, and I'm sorry I've not been as gushingly positive as everyone else who went has been. For what it's worth, on the way back to Oxford Road Station, I stopped off at the Lass O'Gowrie and had a pint of Greene King. So you can say I've already been punished.

If I'm not honest about these things, what's the point of this blog?

The Curiously Mechanical Nature

I'm sure it'll be good. I'm SURE it'll be good

There are beer festivals and beer festivals. The more famous type is typified by The Great British Beer Festival or the National Winter Ales Festival. They have it all. Wide ranging beers, decent setup, quality checks and temperature monitoring. And so the punters who go are (mostly) satisfied.

And then there's the other type. The one run by the local pub with the required floorspace.

I have rule about such events - the quality of the beer provided is in inverse proportion to the number on offer. If a place normally has, say, seven cask beers on sale and tries to do a hundred for a Fest, all delivered at different times in differing states of condition, then who can predict the actual beer quality on Opening Night? It's likely at least half of what's on offer is under-conditioned and only on sale because they printed the tasting notes booklet two weeks in advance.

To be fair, if there wasn't a market for this, such things wouldn't happen. But most pubs who do this kind of event know the ticker market is there to support it at least four times a year. Quality is immaterial compared to another biro-scribbled line in the moleskine notebook.

In the end a Local Beer Festival is like this. Go there. Get the tokens and glass. Use them to buy more beer than you would otherwise do, as you know the tokens are non-refundable. Leave after 8 halves wondering if the trip was worth it. A quite mechanical way of engaging with something that's supposed to be fun.

I say look at the list beforehand. If you think the beer is worth sitting with alone in a tent full of strangers, then by all means go. But otherwise, don't bother.

News in Brief #28

When I were a lad, this were all fields

Last Bitter Drinker Preserved

In its ever increasingly desperate attempts to prevent the last 70 years from happening, English Heritage has decided to stick it's nose in again towards the pub trade.

"We've managed to prevent the destruction of those remaining Victorian bars; stopped them flattening those 1930s road pubs; we're even well on the way to preserving 1960s flat roof places." confided younger-than-expected tweedy figure Roger Anachronism "But what about those who make pubs what they are - the drinkers?"

So, after an extensive search, EH found the last drinker of Ordinary Bitter at a pub in Oldham. "We got to him just in time," whispered Roger "the landlord was just about to replace the Hyde's Original pump with BlackJack. Think about it - a whole culture lost forever."

"We slapped a preservation order on both him and the handpull, so future generations can observe what drinking in pubs was about in the 1950s and 60s".  But what, we asked, did the pub and the drinker think of this?

Roger sighed " Does that matter? You don't know anything about Heritage, do you?"

"We're Communicating Beer, not taking the piss."

Beer Festival Organisers Sell Off Surplus

Last weekend, the organisers of the London Crafty Beer Fest 2015 proclaimed their event to be an Awesome Success. So awesome, in fact, that they're selling off what's left to all-comers on eBay. "Yeah, dudes," announced LCBF CEO Luke Lumberjack-Shirt, "We decided to let our awesome beer friends have a chance of a permanent souvenir of our event. Plus we need to get rid of it before it becomes uncool."

The listing is as follows :

12 x blue pallets : Previously used for making bars, furniture, tables, benches, climbing frames. Possibly could convert to things for moving stuff around - £29 each

3500 2/3 pint glasses : All marked "LCBF 2015". Many marked with moustache wax and black lipstick. £100 the lot or £200 if we have to clean them.

1 Keg Thornbridge Jaipur X : 8% still remaining inside. Come on, you want this! - £105

1 x Curt Mattis (Blogger) : Found in corner after Saturday session after "curating" one too many beers.  Will pay for removal.

All proceeds go to pay for the freebies given to favoured Bloggers to say nice things about LCBF and slag off the CAMRA event round the corner.

Suffering so you don't have to

Man Lives As Beer Blogger for a Day

Noticing that Beer Bloggers seem to have all the fun, curious online type Sam Notarobot announced online last Tuesday "I've decided to live the beer blogger life for a day!  It'll be wonderful." Having not much evidence to base this on, he worked out an itinerary based on tweets an blog posts by prominent beer types. Here is his report.

"I got up at 9am on my day off. I finished off the half can of Beavertown Black Betty from the previous night. Kept it's condition well, I found.

"I went down to the local Wetherspoons for breakfast. As I couldn't be seen drinking Smiths or Cask, I chose a can of Bengali to go with my full English. I think this counts as some kind of cereal .

" Leaving Spoons, I decided on an early pub crawl of the Craft bars.  Tried some of the new Craft kegs that had gone on over the previous few days. Only thirds as I don't want to get drunk. Had 7. One barman said 'You some kind of Blogger or something?' As if! Tweeted about presumptuousness of pub staff

"It was now 1300, and a Beer Festival had started in a nearby Masonic Hall. Went along with a CAMRA card and got in free. Had another 8 pints. Tweeted drinks along with brewer names in order to get followers. Nobody did. Except Thwaites. They follow everyone apparently.

" Got home at 2200. Decided to crack open my stash of Thornbridge Halcyon while writing up the day's events in my post. Woke up face down on the keyboard at 4:30am with an 'crack in Earth' type hangover

"Checked over what I'd done. Blog post unintelligible nonsense, and appear to have got into a massive Twitter argument about some minor point of pub etiquette.  Managed to throw up just before work. Felt a bit better.

"My admiration of Bloggers has exponentially increased. How they do this every day, I don't know."

Session #96 : Festivals - What Are They For?

I don't often go to beer festivals.  I don't like crowds or noise much, so when I do go, I pick the quietest day.  Usually Wednesday or Thursday.  Also, I find them slightly alienating, as I always tend to be there on my own.  I'm guessing it's not like that for other people.

No, other people LIKE massed throngs, and that's what you can get at beer festivals.  A massed, drunken throng at that.  It's a social event with beer.  And for your average beery type, be it Beard or Crafty, then there's few things better on this Earth.

Festivals come in many types.  My local cricket club holds one every so often with about 50 local ales on.  I've never been, but I've heard more reports of rowdy behaviour there than anything at a CAMRA event.  Then you get the charity fundraisers, the ones held at a local hall or museum space, who think a good way to get cash for a good cause is to sell beer cheap and write it off against tax.  Often about 100 on or so.

The most popular ones are the Festivals run on strictly commercial lines.  One my town's pubs, The Continental, runs one every three months or so.  It's always absurdly crowded.  If you're lucky, you can queue up to get your glass and get three pints in before the place closes.  Stops people getting pissed and falling into the Ribble, I suppose.

Like everything in life these days, it's all about the money.  Festivals in my experience are ok, but no more than that.  They often make big promises they can't fulfill, be it either that special rare beer that got lost between the programme being printed and the opening day to the sheer unexpected demand meaning they've run out of beer.

The mid-size Beer Festival, save for a few major events, probably has it's days numbered.  Few Crafty Hipster brewers, even if they do brew cask, will have either the will or capacity to supply 100-beer events.  As Craft becomes more popular, those wanting it will be disappointed when they see a large selection of mediocre bitters and golden ales.  The massive events will stay, if only for publicity purposes.

They are mainly for neither Geekery nor Dissemination now.  They are just there.  Because certain people expect them to be.  A demand is there, and a service is provided for someone who wants to make money out of it.  That's how Capitalism works.  And while we prefer to believe the beer world is friendly and cheerful and for the love and everything, it isn't.

There's more good and rare beer around than ever.  And unlike the old days, it's probably near you.  So who will need the festival, with it's hope-for-the-best beer presentation?

I was so drunk, I bought a tin advert for Lout. Photo by Cooking Lager

I have to admit though, the last beer festival I went to I ended up staying rather later than intended, putting the blogging world to rights with Cooking Lager. If only I remembered what I was talking about...

I drank far too much real ale that day.  I've stuck to the Evil Keg ever since.

The Honest Opinion

I was in the pub the other day. Surprising, I know.  I was drinking my way as usual through the local microbrewed ales.  Once I got to the end of the pumps, the barman flipped around the (hitherto hidden) far pumpclip to reveal something called "Silver Lining".  It did not look too convincing, being as it was an faded inkjet catridge effort, laminated and roughly cut out.  This was, apparently, the Festival Beer of the Lancaster Beerfest.

"As the pub company's one of the Beerfest's sponsors, we've been told we have to have this on." winced the barman.  "Oh, and Fuzzy Duck have done it."

 Ah, Fuzzy Duck.  If ever there was a less hip Lancashire microbrewer, I have yet to see them.  Not content with the dubious spooneristically named beers, and Syd Little running their pub restaurant in Fleetwood, the damn duck on the pumpclip is, in fact, smooth.  Their beers do very well at Festivals though.  I can imagine someone with next-to-no beer knowledge entering the hall with the programme and being baffled by the choice of 100 ales.  Then his eyes alight on the entry for Fuzzy Duck's beers.  "Cunning Stunt!  Hur hur hur!" he will chuckle to himself, as he rewards himself with a pint of Poulton-le-Fylde's 'finest'.

Anyway, eventually the bloody Silver Lining had to go on, as two of the other beers ran out that afternoon.  I decided to order a pint of it due to lack of better options (to be fair I'd had six pints by now).  I tasted it.  Or at least I would have done if I'd been able to discern any flavour in it.  Full of watery goodness, I thought, as I tried to dispatch it with reasonable haste so as to be able to drink something better.

I was about halfway down when a group of four blokes entered the bar.  These, I was informed, were the organisers of the Lancaster Beerfest, out on the piss and (of course) checking the Festival Beer was being served.

"Anyone tried it, yet?" one of them asked.  The barmaid, well-meaning soul she is, pointed towards me.  "He ordered one a few minutes ago.".  Hmm.  Thanks.

"How are you finding it?" enquired Mr. Beerfest of me.  Well, I took a deep breath and gave (to my slight regret) My Honest Opinion.  "Well, I'm guessing I'm not really your market for this kind of beer.  I'm more into this stuff <pointing at the Hawkshead IPA>.  It's not horrible beer by any means, it's just that I prefer my beer with a bit more oomph.".

Mr Beerfest slunk away without reply.  "I think you've hurt his feelings" said the barmaid, just to make me feel better.  "But he did ask me what I thought, right?  And if you don't want to risk hearing something you don't like, then you shouldn't ask the question."  She didn't reply, but simply looked doubtful.

Was I wrong?  I tried my best.  I could have said "This beer is crap and I'm trying to finish it as quickly as possible.  I gave it a chance, but found it severely wanting".  But no, I tried to be diplomatic about it.  And anyway, it's not as if Mr. Beerfest brewed the beer himself.

So, should you really give Your Honest Opinion when asked by someone whether you think their beer is any good or not?  Answers on a postcard.  Or rather the comments section below.