News in Brief #20

Finely crafted artisan lager (left) and macro fizzy filth (right)

Huge Lager Brewery Buys Small Lager Brewery

In massively surprising business news this week, a massive company has taken over a smaller one.

The Huge Lager Company Inc. purchased a controlling interest in the Small Lager Company in order to gain a couple of tenths of a percent of market share for £60 million. CEO of HLC Bill Rapacious Jr. exclaimed yesterday "This purchase will help the HLC gain much needed expertise. And of course Crafty Points, as we haven't actually increased sales since 2002. Nobody wants to be seen drinking tasteless yellow fizz water any more. Adding SLC to our portfolio will give us added fashionability. Even though our flagship products are basically the same."

Small Lager Company head brewer Sam Kegwasher rambled as if trying to convince himself "It was an easy decision to make. The additional investment that comes from our takeov...I mean, partnership with HLC will mean our future here is secured"

"At least until 6 months time when they order me to start using rice and hop extract in my beer. I'll leave then."

" 'Ere mate, need someone doin' in, reet?"

Sophisticate Bloggers Visit Flat Roof Pub

Didsbury residents and Craft Beer Bloggers Natasha Inglenook and Tarquin Laminate-Flooring continued their survey of Manchester's pubs last week with a visit to The Star and Sawnoff, Moss Side.

"We could tell we were welcome when we walked in," enthused Tarquin "as every eye in the pub was turned our way. I presume this was some kind of local greeting custom."

Natasha continued "Surprisingly, we found the Craft Keg was off. The barman affected not to know what it was when I ordered two pints of Cloudwater. What a card! We were glad to see a sense of humour prevails in such unpromising surroundings. We said two Stellas would be fine"

"After something called 'Karaoke Nite' finished," blathered Tarquin " We entered and even won some competition and won a platter of raw meat. One of the locals even offered to cut it up for us in the car park."

"Or at least that's what I think the brandished knife meant."

Even the Smiths only has three months life on it

Wetherspoons to Keep Out Undesirables

JD Wetherspoon today announced an amendment to their door policy to reduce the risk of "alcohol-fuelled disorder" in provincial town centres.

"Basically," announced cheap grog and fodder honcho Timbo Martin "we've empowered our door staff to refuse entry to, well, anyone whom they don't like the look of really. Travellers, drunks, desperate alcoholics, shuffling old men, people in shorts, CAMRA members, hipsters, women dressed in clothes twenty years too young for them, Trotskyists, neo-Trotskyists, crypto-Trotskyists. The lot. Yeah."

Asked about the effect on business on the new policy, Timbo lamented "To be honest, our entire pub estate is deserted now. Except for me drinking Abbot in Watford. And even I had to wear a suit and tie to get in."

"By the way, know anyone who wants 2000 casks of real ale with one day left before it's expiry date?"

News in Brief #19

"We don't like you. Go away"

New Craft Beer Alliance Formed

In the latest attempt for Big Craft to seem big (but yet smaller and somehow better than the MegaBrewers), several of the top Craft breweries have formed The Craft Brewers Alliance.

BrewDog, Camden, Beavertown and Magic Rock announced the Alliance to a sceptical trade audience yesterday.  "We've formed our own club and you're not allowed in." blathered BrewDog's James Watt.

"So, you want to join our secret club?" sneered Beavertown's Logan Plant "Well, your smelly boring brown beer is rubbish. You can go and sit in dog poo."

Camden's Jasper Cuppaidge added pertinently "Ner Net Ner Ner-Ner!" and blew a raspberry.

Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild

CAMRA Members Ponder New Beer Style

Middle aged bearded men were thrown into confusion at the beginning of this month by a communique from CAMRA. "May is Mild Month" it said "Make sure you drink Mild in May"

South East Grizedale Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake was bemused "I read the email from St. Albans, and was utterly confused. I'd never heard of Mild Beer, to be honest."

"I looked it up, and apparently it was popular donkey's years ago. Mild hasn't been seen in my branch since 1962." muttered Steakbake, sadly.

"You may as well ask us to go and eat Tasmanian Tiger pies."

Copyright Timbo

Meal Deal Customer Disappointed

Last Wednesday afternoon, commercial traveller and casual pubgoer Bob Unwary needed to find some food in Oswestry, a town unfamiliar to him.

"I was walking down the high street, and saw an A-board outside a pub advertising 'Curry Club'. Well, Wetherspoons is as good as any, I thought, at least I know what I'll be getting."

"I went in and ordered my meal and pint of lager. It wasn't until I got halfway through when I realised it was I surprisingly edible." he continued  "I checked the signage properly and found I was in an independent pub rather than a Spoons. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted dry and scorchingly hot microwave 'food' "

The pub in question has been informed that 'Curry Club' is copyright JD Wetherspoon inc. and has been closed down on the orders of Timbo Martin until further notice.

I'm Free

Just don't expect variety

Recently, one of my local pubs has been undergoing a "refurbishment". Now, I can see the Mudgie Signal being illuminated across Preston upon me saying that. But, having been in the place both before and after, I'm struggling to see what they spent £500k on.

The Black Bull is a Mitchell's & Butler's house, under their " Ember Inns" concept, as it happens. M&B own thousands of pubs, what with being the main inheritor of the Bass Estate. The unwary would not know this, however. The Black Bull has a big brick pillar just outside, on which is prominently painted the words "Free House".

If there is a more debased term in the pub industry in recent times as " Free House" , I have yet to hear or see it.  Originally, I assume, it was a declaration of independence from the notorious Big Six brewers. But since their demise, what does it really mean? There are certain places that depict themselves as a "JD Wetherspoon Free House".

It may be true that the alleged Free House is not tied to a single supplier, but is it a guarantor of choice? The Black Bull (to take the easiest example) usually has 6 handpumps on. But these have the Big Brewery Bitters you can see anywhere - Thwaites Original, Marston's Pedigree, Brakspear Bitter, Moorhouses Pendle Witches, etc.

" Free House" may have meant something in the past, but in 2015 it's a particularly despicable form of Beard Bait.

News in Brief #18

The view from inside. Keeps pesky unwanted types away

Pub Refurb Meets Campaigner Standard

Nineteen Fifties dwelling Canute figure Mudgie Mudgington this week put his seal of approval on the recent refurbishment of the Bull & Bottle, Cheadle Hulme. "It's nice to see, for once, a sympathetic redecoration of a traditional pub." he said to his possibly imaginary legion of acolytes.

The formerly open pub interior has been subdivided into 27 separate rooms, all painted dark brown and furnished with a bench seat and a small wooden table. "All the better for quietly reading the Telegraph on a Tuesday afternoon with a pint of best" says Mudgie.

The pub now also has a strictly no-families and no-music policy. However, an infinite number of cats are allowed. We couldn't help noticing, though, that Mudgie himself had been the only customer all day.

"That's quite alright" he burbled "I hear Home Bargains are looking to buy the place next year."

"The beer will be even cheaper then."

Easier to get to than Aberdeen, anyway

BrewDog Looking to Buy Country

Self-aggrandising sellers of fizzy hop water BrewDog announced their 6th expansion plan of the week to their hordes of willing suckers Equity Punks.

James Watt proclaimed in his usual modest manner "Yes, we're presently in negotiation to buy one of the smaller European countries. Maybe Liechtenstein or Andorra. When that goes through, we intend to turn it into a Craft Beer Paradise."

This will involve changes in the State's infrastructure "We intend for all houses to have hot and cold running Punk IPA." wittered Watty "All the agricultural land will be turned into hop gardens, and the restaurants will serve nothing but pulled pork and artisan pizza. Maybe artisan pulled pork pizza too. Flat caps will be incorporated into the national costume."

Asked whether a mid-size craft brewery had any expertise in administering a country, James reassured us "Thankfully, many of our staff have experience in running governmental organisations, so we don't for see any problems there"

"Though that's the reason they left those jobs to work for a brewery. But that's business, I mean, the path to Craft Enlightenment."

"What do you mean you don't think I drank this stuff before 2010?"

UKIP Announces Policy For Pubs

As Election Apathy Fever sweeps the nation, the sole acceptable face of the UK Independence Party Nigel Farage revealed his plans to save the pub industry from its ever increasing spiral of decline.

"It's true we've announced that we intend to allow pubs to install smoking rooms for the benefit of their patrons," handwaved the former City Trader and self-appointed man of the people "but after further discussion, we realised it didn't go far enough in the cause of freedom."

"We at UKIP propose to allow publicans to set aside a room for the use of heroin and crack cocaine.  There's no evidence I can find that use of these items present a threat to the health of either staff or other pubgoers."

"As these things don't come from the Continent, it means they're OK." he continued entirely non-prejudicially "The USA and Afghanistan are important trading partners of ours."

"And if you don't agree, you can go and live in Brussels with those meddling Eurocrats".

Trouble

Popping out for a quiet one

One of the main objections to opening a licences establishment these days (and the rare times it happens, it's usually a Spoons), the the fear of "alcohol fuelled disorder". It's one of the main motivators of the wowsers behind Alcohol Concern. Even the Drinkaware posters typically depict the downside of alcohol consumption with a photo of a (badly staged, and thus usually blurred) drunken fight.

But how prevalent are boozy brawls these days? Maybe I go to the wrong places, but I've never seen anything worse than arguments.  It's probably true that I, along with most other beer bloggers, are unlikely to go to places where we're likely to get beaten up, as we (allegedly) go to taste the beers rather than get tanked up on them.

It may well be true that a certain level of trouble happens in city centres with a large concentration of clubs. But the typical patrons of these are students. The combination of immature brains, poor alcohol capacity and a raging sense of entitlement can be a heady mix. A certain level of disorder is likely, but it's nothing that kids haven't been getting up to for centuries.

My opinion, as always, is that the Ruling Classes do not want the Lower Orders drinking, as it reduces productivity and gets them talking about stuff that they'd rather not be discussed.  How better to put them off than to basically scare them away from pubs by telling them they'll be beaten senseless if they set foot in them?

Alcohol consumption can have it's downsides, yes. But it's far more likely to result in a raging hangover and a sense of bitter self-recrimination than a trip to intensive care.

Drinkin' the Evil Keg

News in Brief #17

"I suppose the Pedigree's off, then?"

Local Pub Blown Up Overnight

Residents were shocked to hear of the destruction of a beloved local last week. A Grade-2 listed building, The Lady Godiva, Coventry was blown to pieces by a 200kg bomb planted by the intended devlopers, at approximately 3am last Wednesday.

Owner/property speculator Ron Callousdisregard ranted to us yesterday. "I know many people wouldn't have seen this as the ideal solution, but I was forced to take this course of action.  The fact is that I have had to blow up this pub, along with the six adjoining properties, two sets of traffic lights and a post box to show up the intransigence of local planning regulators who objected to me wanting to build an Adult Cinema and Erotic Accessory store here."

Coventry Planning Department official Dave Wristslap emailed us to say "We condemn Mr. Callousdisregard's actions in the strongest possible terms. We've sent him a letter saying he's been a naughty boy, but to be honest it's a bit late to do anything now, isn't it?"

"Oh well, can't stand in the way of progress, can we?"

Oooooooooooold. Just the way it should be

CAMRA Activist Puts Motion to AGM

This weekend, Nottingham will be overwhelmed by a large number of men in late middle-age with little else to do but talk about the Serious Business of Beer. Yes, it's CAMRA AGM season.

Bob Leathertankard, 72, an Activist since 1973, will be there to put forward his wide-ranging motion on the future of CAMRA. "CAMRA is at a crossroads" he rambled tipsily through the haze of six pints of Old Hooky "The membership is aging and there are fewer of us every year doing the important stuff at the grassroots."

"So what I suggest is limiting membership to the over-55s. I know that seems counterintuitive, but I keep hearing about all these young people under 40 talking about Craft and things. I know I should be bothered about keg fizz or some such, but I'm really old now and just want a quiet drink with other old men like me. I don't want arguments about what is or isn't real beer."

"The whole thing has become a tedious bore, to be honest. Just let me die in peace with a pint of lightly carbonated beer in my hand."

Coming soon to a City Portfolio near you

London Brewer Sells Crowdfunders

Excessively entrepreneurial London brewer Random Brick today announced it's latest investment plan, involving selling the 2000 crowdfunders who helped provide the startup capital to it's newest investor, a Hedge Fund based in the Cayman Islands.

Damien Fixedgear, CEO of London Debt Repayment Ltd. trading as "Random Brick Craft Brewery" muttered offhandedly to us "It's true that our crowdfunders helped get us going, but frankly they're a drain on administration now."

Fixedgear continued "Most expect updates on progress. Some say they would like a free bottle or two. One even contacted me about the chances of a return on his outlay, the fool.  So we've decided to flog them off to Consolidated Fund Management And Third World Exploitation Inc. It's the best thing for the future. Mine, anyway."

Hopeless optimist and serial Random Brick Kickstarter Daisy Headinclouds was asked how she felt about now being owned by a rapacious financial institution "It's a good thing for the Craft Beer Scene. Yes it is. A good thing. Yes it is. A good thing. Yes...."