News in Brief #30

Watty knows what Craft is

BrewDog to Stop Stocking BrewDog Beer

This week, exponentially expanding Crafty bar operator BrewDog PLC has conducted a wide-ranging review of it's beer policy. "It's something we do regularly," pontificated posturing 'anti-businessman' James Watt "just to make certain what we stock meets certain standards of quality and artisan production."

"I looked down the list. Partizan, yeah. Kernel, yeah, Brew By Numbers, yeah. Then I saw we were stocking stuff by a company called BrewDog. Didn't know much about them to be honest. So I looked up their website and I was horrified."

"This so-called Craft Brewery seems to fund itself via deeply odd share issues and bond issues, while endlessly shouting about how rebellious and 'punk' it is. I read somewhere that this 'BrewDog' is valued at £300 million. Some punks!"

"I rang up every bar in our company and told them to tip all this 'BrewDog' beer into the nearest river.  We can't be seen selling such faux-Craft beer."

Local hipster Luke Lumberjack-Shirt told us while putting empties into the local bottle bank "BrewDog? Are they still a brewery"

STONCH Blog soon to be renamed "Ginger Beer"

STONCH Blog Announces New Contributor

Beer blog and perpetual controversy factory STONCH has announced the latest member of it's ever increasing writing team.

"I've been wanting to take a back seat on the blog for ages." rambled Stonch himself from underneath a huge pile of Moretti bottles. "So, while I've been getting more people in to do the writing, I've found I needed someone else to help coordinate their efforts."

Someone Else is former News Of The World editor Rebekah Brooks. "To be honest, when we found out we were all trembling with fear." confided STONCH writer Tinno Mackerel "We thought we'd be exposing Beer Communicators as paedophiles using phone hacking. But it's not happened. Yet."

But fellow STONCH scribe Benjy Broggovich admitted "After sending in a post about Harvey's Best, Rebekah did give me an awful phone call saying it was "Fucking shit and you can fucking stick this real ale shit up your fucking arse, you fucking shitty prick." "

"Though she does seem to be more polite than Stonch ever was."

Not a macrobrewery, yesterday

Lagunitas Boss Sells Company Over Corpse.

The Craft Beer world was rocked to it's Converse sneakers by the news this week that macrobrewer Heineken has purchased a 50% interest in California brewer Lagunitas.

"I know I said that I'd only sell out over my dead body." protested Brewery boss Tony Magee "But I'm not as hypocrite as you know."

Magee managed to buy an actual dead body of a Mexican illegal immigrant to sign the contract with the Dutch fizz factory. "They're ten a penny round here," laughed Magee "and we made sure we did the contracts in the walk in fridge."

Meanwhile, Lagunitas head brewery Summer Fourtwenty expressed his approval at the deal "Heineken, man" he murmered contentedly through half-closed eyes "That mean I can visit Amsterdam for business reasons on expenses."

"I wanna see the windmills and canals, man."

The Gold Bunny Problem

Rampant

A few years back, I was dismantling a display unit at work. It was towards the end of Easter and, naturally enough, every Lindt Gold Bunny had sold off it. I packed up the component cardboard bits and took it off into the back for disposal. However, one of my female colleagues got hold of the giant display bunny from the top and shouted "Hey girls, ever had a rabbit this big before?".

I tell this anecdote because I was reminded of it by Boak & Bailey's post on Friday about the things that are never talked about in beer Blogger circles, one of them being the actual, authentic pub experiences of the working classes.

Now, me, I'm a member of the aforementioned proletariat. I have a relatively low paying job in retail and have never been to University. Somehow, I have acquired the ability to write coherently (which some would say disqualifies me from the working classes), but that's by-the-by.

Reading the majority of the beer blogs, it's quite obvious to me that their writers have had limited, or possibily none whatsoever, contact with ordinary working people. And I don't mean the " my dad's gardener was working class and we get on like a house on fire, actually" kind of contact.  The Bloggerati have no idea what they enjoy or what their sense of humour is. Well, I will tell you - the working class sense of humour finds the above Gold Bunny tale hilarious 

Witness Pumpclip Parade. The majority of the examples given are crude humour and cheap sexism. A middle class person will find a knob gag pumpclip unfunny. A middle class person will consider being in a place with such an item infra dig. A middle class person will even take a picture and  send it to a website where their equally middle class peers will wholeheartedly agree that, yes, this is simply awful.

Meanwhile, the working class person, will laugh for a couple of seconds, order a pint, and not think about it again .

The problem as I see it is that the middle classes are encroaching on a hitherto almost exclusively working class domain. Ie. Beer and pubs.  And they do not like what they see. So they try and usually succeed in making both beer and pubs more to their liking, be it modern interior design, rarified discussion and "tasteful" point of sale displays.  This is called "gentrification" and is reckoned to be a good thing.

But where do the working class people go when this happens? Well, they've been pushed out of what was "their" space. So they either go somewhere else where they feel more comfortable, or they stay at home.

And the well-to-do like this. Out of sight, out of mind. No longer will they be offended and discomfited by crude humour and tacky surroundings.

But I ask the question - where do the working class go once everything they knew is gone? Where?

News in Brief #29

Craft Beer despite obvious assumptions

Craft Brewer Announces New "Extreme" Beer

Habitual attention seekers and adders-of-weird-ingredient-to-disguise-flaws Random Brick Brewery today unveiled their new beer, which they claim pushes the Concept of Craft to the edge.

Head Brewer Damien Fixedgear proclaimed "Think we've gone past the 'Edge' this tome. We've fallen off this reality and entered a 4D world. Discerning Drinkers, I present our new beer - Maw Ale!"

Fixedgear pulled a pint of the 5% pale ale and explained further "We believe this is the first beer flavoured with actual fish guts. They provide a very clean taste, even though it has the strange effect of making the Ale transparent. But you can be rest assured this doesn't affect the flavour and the highest Craft Brewing standards were maintained in it's making."

Occasional London drinker and opacity detective Hamish McTand complained to us "Och, beer that's clear? How we goan know if it tastes right if we can see through it? This isnae Craft as I know it, boy."

Mudgie's locals, closed one by one

Pub Campaigner 'Denormalised'

Doom-monger and Fifties-preferrer Mudgie Mudgington this week blogged about his current pub situation. "I've been denormalised," he cried "I'm no longer allowed to enjoy the things I used to."

Mumbled Mudgie "Pub policies by both landlords and government have gone against my way of life. First they turned the music up, then they banned smoking. Then they replaced the brown bitter with golden ales. The last straw was when they did up the pubs in a 'contemporary style'. They've decided there's no place for me any more."

Nervously thumbing his copy of 'Niemoller for Dummies' he continued "First they came for the smokers, but I was not a smoker. Then they came for the poor, but I was not poor. Then they came for me because I have the odd pint and engage in anachronistic banter. And there was nobody to stand up for me."

"Probably because they'd all died of old age, but still..."

Oooooooooooold

Preston Pub A Success Despite Banning Adults

The Mildred Lounge, Friargate, a town centre sticky monstrous hellhole today proclaimed record profits which its manager ascribed to it's new age policy.

Andy Twoshotsapound told us "We had been receiving a lot of complaints about overage people in the bar. I mean, who wants to hear a 25 year old talk about 'Work' or 'Meetings', and have them harass staff with demands for them to stop Facebooking on their mobiles and serve drinks?"

"Their endless toilet visits create a problem too. They go so often, and for so long, they block the bogs for their designed purpose - drug taking and quickies in the cubicles."

Ancient specimen, Tom Bewilder (27), begged to differ "Of course, in an ideal world, nobody would want people in their mid-twenties in a circuit bar, but sometimes I have to take my teenage staff somewhere they like and if I'm refused entry they it'll be them who suffer."

"Especially on the following Monday when I know they've had fun and I haven't."

Cats and Rats and Elephants, But Sure as You're Born

Mmm...warm Jennings Bitter for £3.50

Historians said about the constantly infirm Charles II of Spain (1661-1700) that he "was always on the verge of death, but baffled Christendom by continuing to live.

Many similar things can be said about many pubs in the North. Take, for example, The Unicorn in Preston.

This place is a former Scottish & Newcastle house, based in a formerly packed pub district on North Road, just off the A6. Several pubs in the area have closed in this area (ie. The Mitre, which is now a Vet Surgery). But The Unicorn stubbornly hangs in there.

It's now owned, of course, by a Pubco. In this case Trust Inns of Chorley who own around 80 premises around the North West. We know this because of the "Do you want to run this pub?" sign that frequently appears on the side of the building. Three times in as many years, by my reckoning.

Numerous tales of unsuitable  landlords, crap beer and a dismal clientele abound about The Unicorn. But somehow it stays as a going concern. Being near the University of Central Lancashire, most assumed it would have been turned into student housing long ago (a fate of many pubs in this area). I can only imagine the cost of conversion is prohibitive. They even replaced the sign outside in June (whether at the Landlord or the Pubcos cost is unknown).

Me? Never been in. I'm presently in the pub next door which has better beer and a much better reputation. If the Unicorn wants to be a continuing and viable pub, it needs to address these issues, rather than A-boarding messages about 40,000 song karaoke database or Free Pool.

I'm betting it'll be student flats by 2020, myself.

Everybody's Making It Big But Me

We sing about beauty and we sing about truth for ten thousand dollars a show

It's often said that to be a Drinks writer, you don't require any original ideas, much writing ability or even any expertise in beers, wines or spirits. The sole ability you need is to type coherently while pissed.

And if that's a low bar, then most of the "Beer Blogging Community" can hurdle it with aplomb. After all, there's no money in it.

I don't think there's a single Blogger out there, even the ones who get ten times the pageviews I do, who has made a profit on this lark. Which, surprising as it may seem from someone like me,  I don't begrudge the rampant freebie imbibers of the European Beer Blogger Conference. Given the choice, what typical person wouldn't want to spend a weekend gossiping and drinking in congenial company with their peers?  It's the glue that binds us as a species together. And, like religion, bind it does, providing you don't scrutinise it too closely.

I would never fit in in such situations myself, but if somebody like Matt Curtis wants positivity fuel, liberally stoked with complementary booze, then that's fair enough. You do the cheerleading, Matt, and I'll do the mockery. The world needs both to stay in balance after all.

It's all harmless, really. As long as you take the resultant tales of free trips and schmoozing with the scepticism required.  You know the Bloggers won't want to appear rude to those who welcomed them so warmly, so don't expect impartiality on their part. Enjoy it for what it is.

They had fun. We can look askance and feel moderately virtuous. It's a win/win.

News in Brief #28

When I were a lad, this were all fields

Last Bitter Drinker Preserved

In its ever increasingly desperate attempts to prevent the last 70 years from happening, English Heritage has decided to stick it's nose in again towards the pub trade.

"We've managed to prevent the destruction of those remaining Victorian bars; stopped them flattening those 1930s road pubs; we're even well on the way to preserving 1960s flat roof places." confided younger-than-expected tweedy figure Roger Anachronism "But what about those who make pubs what they are - the drinkers?"

So, after an extensive search, EH found the last drinker of Ordinary Bitter at a pub in Oldham. "We got to him just in time," whispered Roger "the landlord was just about to replace the Hyde's Original pump with BlackJack. Think about it - a whole culture lost forever."

"We slapped a preservation order on both him and the handpull, so future generations can observe what drinking in pubs was about in the 1950s and 60s".  But what, we asked, did the pub and the drinker think of this?

Roger sighed " Does that matter? You don't know anything about Heritage, do you?"

"We're Communicating Beer, not taking the piss."

Beer Festival Organisers Sell Off Surplus

Last weekend, the organisers of the London Crafty Beer Fest 2015 proclaimed their event to be an Awesome Success. So awesome, in fact, that they're selling off what's left to all-comers on eBay. "Yeah, dudes," announced LCBF CEO Luke Lumberjack-Shirt, "We decided to let our awesome beer friends have a chance of a permanent souvenir of our event. Plus we need to get rid of it before it becomes uncool."

The listing is as follows :

12 x blue pallets : Previously used for making bars, furniture, tables, benches, climbing frames. Possibly could convert to things for moving stuff around - £29 each

3500 2/3 pint glasses : All marked "LCBF 2015". Many marked with moustache wax and black lipstick. £100 the lot or £200 if we have to clean them.

1 Keg Thornbridge Jaipur X : 8% still remaining inside. Come on, you want this! - £105

1 x Curt Mattis (Blogger) : Found in corner after Saturday session after "curating" one too many beers.  Will pay for removal.

All proceeds go to pay for the freebies given to favoured Bloggers to say nice things about LCBF and slag off the CAMRA event round the corner.

Suffering so you don't have to

Man Lives As Beer Blogger for a Day

Noticing that Beer Bloggers seem to have all the fun, curious online type Sam Notarobot announced online last Tuesday "I've decided to live the beer blogger life for a day!  It'll be wonderful." Having not much evidence to base this on, he worked out an itinerary based on tweets an blog posts by prominent beer types. Here is his report.

"I got up at 9am on my day off. I finished off the half can of Beavertown Black Betty from the previous night. Kept it's condition well, I found.

"I went down to the local Wetherspoons for breakfast. As I couldn't be seen drinking Smiths or Cask, I chose a can of Bengali to go with my full English. I think this counts as some kind of cereal .

" Leaving Spoons, I decided on an early pub crawl of the Craft bars.  Tried some of the new Craft kegs that had gone on over the previous few days. Only thirds as I don't want to get drunk. Had 7. One barman said 'You some kind of Blogger or something?' As if! Tweeted about presumptuousness of pub staff

"It was now 1300, and a Beer Festival had started in a nearby Masonic Hall. Went along with a CAMRA card and got in free. Had another 8 pints. Tweeted drinks along with brewer names in order to get followers. Nobody did. Except Thwaites. They follow everyone apparently.

" Got home at 2200. Decided to crack open my stash of Thornbridge Halcyon while writing up the day's events in my post. Woke up face down on the keyboard at 4:30am with an 'crack in Earth' type hangover

"Checked over what I'd done. Blog post unintelligible nonsense, and appear to have got into a massive Twitter argument about some minor point of pub etiquette.  Managed to throw up just before work. Felt a bit better.

"My admiration of Bloggers has exponentially increased. How they do this every day, I don't know."

An Interview with Beer

In the Cheery spirit of the times, we here at Seeing The Lizards have decided to do something unusual for us. We don't usually do interviews, preferring to let our chief writer expound his uniquely bitter and inappropriate view of the world and its beverages. But in an exclusive to this blog, we have used the goodwill built up over the last two years to secure an Exclusive interview with Beer itself.

StL : Good evening, Beer. Both our blog's readers and us have known you for a long time. How's life finding you at the moment?

BEER : Oh, you know how it goes. Been feeling a bit tired and flat recently. Especially in busy and crowded places.  But I've been resting for the right amount of time this week, and I'm feeling good. Effervescent, if you will.

StL : Good to hear, Beer.  You've probably needed the rest as a lot of people have been talking about you.

BEER : Yeah, I've noticed. Don't know why really. I'm just your average malt-based drink. Must be all the hops they've been putting in me or something.

StL : Well, that was the main topic about a year or so ago, yes.  But apparently some people have not been as positive about you as certain other people would like.

BEER : Oh? Why's that? Have people been seeing me dispensed or presented in the wrong way again?

StL : Actually, they've been saying that although you've not been at your best recently, your drinkers shouldn't talk about it in public as it makes you look bad.

BEER : Huh?

StL : What they should do, however, is complain to your servers, quietly, and out of earshot so as not to disgrace you in front of other potential customers.

BEER : That doesn't make any sense.  If I'm not being presented right, then people should know. How will things improve if everything's being done on the sly? It took me years to be accepted as a credible drink. If anything's not right, it should be sorted out promptly and visibly.

StL : I think some of your cheerleaders are worried about you not being seen in a positive light by the, shall we say, higher echelons of society if people are badmouthing you in a public forum.

BEER : But it's not my fault if I'm served flat and lifeless. It's the ones serving me that are to blame.

StL : Do you think they're more worried about how they would look? In front of their peers and contacts? Having to admit you're not at your best sometimes?

BEER : If that's so, then I feel sorry for them. I really do.

StL : Why's that?

BEER : Look, you know me. I'm an unpretentious drink. I'm shared and enjoyed by people in an almost incidental manner sometimes. I've never bigged myself up as a major thing. Other people have done that, by pairing me with food or tasting me in glasses the size of thimbles. They're the ones trying to make me something I'm not. To be honest, I think they've lost sight of the point of me.

StL : Yes, I suppose that is quite sad.

BEER : I feel like saying to them 'I'm still Beer, guys. Enjoy me as much as you like. But enjoy me. Don't make me a grave and serious topic of discussion. I'm just a drink, not the meaning of life."

StL : Eloquently put, Beer. Thank you for your time and we hope things go well for you in the near future.

BEER : Thanks, it's good to know there are those who like me for what I am, rather than what they want me to be.