The Pursuit of Homogeneity

Castle, yesterday

In my latest much-commented-upon eccentric decision, I'm presently on holiday in Newcastle-under-Lyme. Sure, you can go to places like Barbados or Aruba or Hawaii, but what could those locations possibly offer in comparison to the view I can see from my hotel room presently?

Anyway, as unpromising as this location may appear, it is a five minute walk from the the local Craft bar, Ten Green Bottles (which I mentioned here a few months back).  To be fair, Castle does lack obvious entertainment options (unless you're a connoisseur of demolition/building sites or Butters John Bee signs) so I have spent much of the last 24 hours in establishments such as this.

The aforementioned Craft bar is, well, Craft.  I'm sure anyone who reads this will know what that entails.  I myself know what to expect, and didn't blanch when quoted £6.50 for a single can of Beavertown Bloody Notorious.  It's the going rate for such things, or so I'm told.  And after that somewhat hefty alcohol hit, I decided to go on a 15 minute walk to the the local beer-led (as in both cask and craft) place, The Hop Inn on Albert Street.

Craft, yesterday

I let myself into the Lounge Bar and saw Dark Star Espresso was on. Fair enough, and ordered a pint of that.  While I was halfway down said pint, the bar manager climbed onto the bar to amend the "Craft Keg" blackboard. "Ooh, What's on next?" I thought.  Yes, The Hop Inn now had Beavertown Bloody Notorious on draught.   An otherwise unpromising North Staffordshire market town now had two places that served the Craftiest thing you could think of on a cloudy Wednesday evening in July.

Me? I'd had it already so had a pint of Bass next instead.  Then it occurred to me - Bass is likely now to be more difficult to find in this town than 9.1% Blood Orange Collaboration Double IPA, which would have been unthinkable even five years ago.

This is the strange thing about Craft Beer drinkers. They like their sours, saisons, imperial stouts and double IPAs.  And they want to find them wherever they go. Preston, Newcastle-under-Lyme, Derby. Peterborough - if it has a Craft bar, then this is what it must do.  The actual brewers of said beers must vary, but the styles have to be there lest the bar or town be condemned as boring or behind the times.  While the Crafty types condemn "boring" golden ales or bitters that were ubiquitous 20 years ago, their pursuit of novelty has simply resulted in a new kind of homogeneity.

Don't get me wrong, I like the Craft stuff. I wouldn't have paid £6.50 for that can if I didn't. But I do like a more diverse experience than some of the more fashion-oriented beer types seem to be looking for.  If the march of Craft wipes out or even diminishes the more traditional beer styles in the name of "awesomeness", then beer culture will be much the poorer for it.

Old man beer, yesterday

Homegeneity created in the name of diversity.  The Law of Unintended Consequences.  Who knows?  Get down the pub and order a pint of bitter. You may even like it.

News in Brief #48

"We'll make sure nobody tells us things we don't want to hear"

CAMRA Revitalisation Continues Apace

Allegedly moribund consumer organisation The Campaign for Real Ale this week commended it's own success of its ongoing Revitalisation project. "Here at St. Albans we've been reading through all the submitted emails and leaflets," burbled CAMRA founder Michael Hardman "and we can now decide on a proper course of action."

"We've decided to appoint another ten people to the Revitalisation committee. Exciting times are ahead! Nothing says 'prompt decision making' more than extra members on a committee to discuss things." triumphalised Hardman.

"We've also sent emails to all the members inviting them to a meeting next week helpfully located 110 miles away and scheduled for 9am on a Saturday during railway works." continued Mikey "This goes to show how sensitive we are to the needs of the membership. "

South East Grizedale branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake told us "I've made sure our meeting is scheduled for April 2017, so hopefully this nonsense will all be forgotten by then. After that we can concentrate on the really important CAMRA business."

"Like slagging off craft beer in our local magazine."

Rewarding laziness and/or desperation

Barperson Gets Long Service Award

This Monday,  pub service operative Claire Glassbreaker was presented with a trophy celebrating her 6 weeks of employment at the Marquess of Hartington, a town centre pub in Wakefield. "It's a momentous occasion," shouted landlord Barry Shortmeasure "Nobody has ever stayed here so long."

"Normally I sack them before now for being rude to customers, or robbing drinks from the optics. Or they leave under a cloud of sexual harassment allegations. Or they just disappear one day and are never seen or heard of again."

"Claire is major asset to this pub. She never complains about rota changes or loses the keys or sits outside smoking rollies instead of cleaning the bar." congratulated Shortmeasure "I don't know what I'd do without her."

Meanwhile, Claire herself admitted quietly "The awards nice and stuff, but I haven't the heart to tell Barry I'm giving one day's notice tomorrow to go backpacking in Croatia. I'll be sorry to leave this wonderful place and all it's wonderful characters. "

"Actually, that's a lie. So long suckers! "

Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Juncker? 

BREXIT Provokes Blogger Reaction

In the commotion created by the UK electorate's decision to leave the European Union, one group of voices has been hitherto ignored, that of Beer Bloggers.

Remainer and awesome dude Curt Mattis expressed his dismay at the results "It's, like, really awful man. I'm going to need to show my passport to people when I go to Europe to create content for my partner breweries."

"Not to mention that all my favourite beers I have shipped over from the USA and all those New World hops will be, like, really expensive now." cried Curty. "I'll probably have to start drinking English beer at Wetherspoons or something. It's awful!"

Happier about events was nostalgist Exiteer and pikestaff wielder Mudgie Mudgington "I heartily approve of this result. For too long, we in the UK have been told what to do by Brussels bureaucrats!"

"No longer will all the road signs have to display all the distances in kilometres, and I'll never be served 500ml of beer instead of a good old British Imperial pint!"

"Except at Sam Smiths of course, where they serve that and call it a pint anyway."

News in Brief #47

Everyone likes us, and we don't care

Fashionable Breweries Now Beyond Criticism

This week, it has emerged that certain makers of beer are not allowed to experience the mildest of negative commentary from their consumers. "It's almost , like, we've built them up into some kind of irreproachable position or something." complained Craft content master and part-time barperson Luke Lumberjack-Shirt.

"I mean, I admit I spent three years saying everything that Beavertown and Cloudwater did were awesome, and told everyone to go and spend, like, vast amounts of money on their latest beers. But that's no reason for them to get all sensitive and set their social media acolytes on me."

"I mean, look at this tweet here. This person, @BrettSaison68 , told me I was a hipster into beer for poses and attention to get a future career. I mean, like, how rude."

Journalist Annabelle Anthracite said "Those who get paid to do a job should expect a certain level of criticism in a healthy society. It goes with the territory."

"But not Beer Communicators. We never get paid for anything."

Busy Monday in Craftyland

Customer Spotted in Craft Bar on Monday

Provincial town Craft Bar The Fobbing Keg, Loughborough today opened it's doors at midday as always. Assistant manager Samantha Emptychair sat herself behind the bar with her new George R.R Martin novel in expectation of a typical Monday afternoon.

But scarcely 90 minutes later, she was roused from her fantasy novel by the sound of the door. "I was shocked. This guy came in. And he ordered a drink."

"I never thought I'd ever see this." amazed Samantha "I was assured by the manager that the PubCo only kept this place open so they have somewhere acceptable to take clients to, as opposed to all the rest of their alcoholic codger-filled dump of an estate."

"I hope he doesn't stay too long. I want to finish this book by the end of my shift."

Impartial on the issues

Wetherspoons Holding Referendum

Value market targeted hospitality group and shelter for distressed souls JD Wetherspoon this week announced they were holding a Referendum on whether to secede from the United Kingdom. "For too long, we in this company have been under the thumb of UK law and it's endless restrictions." ranted empathetic employer and Chairman Timbo Martin.

"For instance, did you know I have to let my bar staff have a 15 minute break once every eight hours? And pay them £7.20 an hour in the admittedly unlikely event they're over 25? It's red tape like this that restricts our profitability and growth as a business."

"So, I've decided to ask my customers whether they would like their pub to leave the heavy legislative demands of the UK." ranted Timbo "And I've printed the Yes/No question on 6 million beer mats which I've had put on every table."

"My staff will collect them at the end of the night and chuck them in the appropriate bin depending on which box is ticked. Which I'll have weighed."

"I'll announce the winner at the next Seasonal Beer Festival. By which time I hope everyone will have forgotten. I'm sure my point of view will prevail anyway."

Near-permanent Spoons resident Bob Cirrhosis said "But I thought this place was independent of any standards of decency and decorum anyway?"

Dedicated Follower of Fashion

They seek it here, they seek it there

As many of you know, I work in a shop that sells (amongst other things) beer. We do around 300 lines of what is known in the trade as "Premium Bottled Ales", and have won awards for it. However, about 18 months ago our beer buyer decided this was not enough. No. He'd read that "Craft" was now a "thing".

So, we spent two days shoving up the PBAs and "World Lagers" to make room for the extra 90 lines he'd decided we should have, completely buggering the layout that took me a week to do in August 2012. But no matter. We were now selling stuff like DNA, Goose Island Honkers and cans of Thwaites 13 Guns.

Since the time it went in, I have learned many things about craft beer retailing. One being the habits of your average Crafty.  One person I know looked over our whole bay of Craft Cans and said "Well. It's ok. I suppose. Will you be getting Magic Rock in?" Two months later Salty Kiss, Cannonball and High Wire were listed and duly arrived.

Mr. Resident Crafty came shopping two days later. I took him to the beer and showed him our shiny new lines. "Hmm. Cannonball's alright. But will you be getting any Moor soon?". Ok. Right then. Eventually our buyer reached Bristol on his tasting tour, and the Moor came in at the end of April.

Mr Crafty told me that Nor'Hop and So'Hop weren't the best we could have got from them. Any more new lines coming in?

And this is the thing about trying to appeal to the Hardcore Crafty consumer. Your range, however large or diverse is never quite good enough. You need a constant turnover of "new" and "exciting" stuff otherwise they get bored and complain. In matters of the Craft, they are as fickle as can be.

We're getting Beavertown Bloody 'Ell and BrewDog Black Hammer soon. Do you think they'll be happy then?

News in Brief #46

Violating social norms, yesterday

Man Sits on Own in Pub

This week, during a busy Bank Holiday weekend, a man aged approximately 40 years old was spotted sat on his own drinking beer.

Landlord of the Pig & Slurry, Slaithwaite Barry Shortmeasure recounted the evening's events in shocked tones "He walked in through the door and came up to the bar and ordered a pint of bitter. He paid for it and say down with it at a nearby table."

"I'd never seen him before in my life." continues Barry "I was expecting him to be really drunk and over-familiar with the regulars. Or even sexually harrass the barstaff and call me a fucking bastard when I told him to knock it off."

"But he just sat there, sipping his pint in silence. After 45 minutes he got up, said goodbye and left."

"I hope he doesn't come back." whispered Barry "He scares me."

"Mine's a vodka and Dandelion & Burdock"

Cask Abolished For Summer

Due to the unseasonable (for England anyway ) warm weather, pubs have been reporting a decline in real ale sales.

"It's most peculiar," confessed industry trend reporter Bob Obviousinfo "it's almost as if they prefer drinks that are cold and refreshing."

Ever vigilant to prevailing trends, the drinks producers have responded "Yeah, they're all churning out 'fruit' ciders or stuff you can mix with ice and vodka now." confessed Obviousinfo. "Cask is dead at the moment as fat old men with beards are staying at home as it's hot. Breweries are going bust too. "

Brown beer lover and pessimist Mudgie Mudgington ranted "I knew it. I said it would happen. Thank God for Sam Smith's and their keg bitter."

Disclosure : Stella and Becks are Wonderful

Communicator Announces New Working Methods

Content generator and newly self-proclaimed Beer Journalist Curt Mattis today told everyone how he would be working in future. "Integrity and ethics are dead, man. They don't pay the bills in 2016."

"I'm letting it known that I'll write about what I'm paid to write about. Friends, brewers, public relations people - send me your beers! It's more fun and cheaper than being critical about stuff!"

"Don't get me wrong, man, I'll disclose everything I receive from brewers, like this contract I have with SABMiller. I'm off to Europe tomorrow to do content for them. Everyone will will want to read it when it's done!"

Asked if he will be altering his inimitable style Curty retorted "Of course not! Beer is still awesome."

"It's just that some beers will be more awesome than others."

News in Brief #45

The mark of quality

In Date Craft Beer Found in Pub Fridge

Last Sunday afternoon, infrequent drinker Sam Lightweight made an unusual journey to his local in Driffield. "I'd read about these Craft Beer things in the '10 to try' feature in Friday's I paper. So I went down to the Marquess of Anglesey down the road as I heard they had some."

"I went in and looked in the bar fridge and asked for a bottle of Chorlton Sandalwood. It was what they had most of."

"Anyway," continued Sam "I looked at the date on it and to my horror I found it was 24th June 2016. I went against everything I've been told about Craft bottles in pubs. Needless to say, I didn't get the authentic weird and musty taste, or even diarrhoea the following day."

Barry Shortmeasure, the pub's landlord "My fault for not checking, I suppose. Must have got a duff batch from Jimmy Clay's."

"They normally put reassuring post-dated stickers on them, I'm told."

Coming soon to a microbar near you. Frequently 

Town Centre Bar Redecorates

After having it's windows broken by drunken tossers for the fourteenth this year, plate glass riven shop conversion microbar The Dancing Tap is having a drastic redecoration.

Manager Mark Pilkington-Process said "Yeah, I was fed up with it. But had this amazing idea while the emergency glaziers were here patching the place up. Why not, like, have the whole place done out in Smartply? It'd be great and save so much time."

"So I bought 36 sheets of the stuff, and had all the windows, floors, tables, seats, bar and even the bloody handpulls made from it. We're like no micropub in the country now, man.'

"And if anybody tries to smash the place up now," said Mark with a big smile "they'll be poisoned by the formaldehyde fumes."

"It'll serve them right, the twats."

It'll have changed. At least for a while

Local CAMRA Chairman Disappointed With New Management

Last week, the Carpenters Arms in Birtle was taken over by a new management team. As is always the case, they promised great beer, a warm welcome and everlasting wonderfulness. And put it all on a big banner which they stuck above the pub door.

One person underwhelmed by these events, however, was local CAMRA bigwig Hamish McTand "Och, ah'd never go tae the place normally as ah heard it was shite. But ah had something to do nearby and needed a pint."

"Ah walked in, and they ignored me and carried awn cleaning and setting up the till or something, the bastards. Didnae say hello or anything. Drank the pint ah ordered and left. It isnae on. Ah told everybody on ma blog."

Newly-hired barman Tom Ullagefest told us "We'd heard about Mr. McTand and his exacting standards. We were hoping he wouldn't come in until at least our sparkler order had arrived. We can only apologise."

Asked why such a minor faux pas inspired such a reaction McTand said "Ah, though you wouldnae ken it, ah'm just a big sensitive bastard really."

"For a Scotsman, anyway."

Three Years

I don't remember why I started this blog. It was a long time ago. Maybe I was drunk at the time. Anyway, everyone else seemed to be doing it.

Unlike other people who do their stuff using aliases, personae and pseudonyms, all mine goes out under my own name.  I have no worries about people finding out my views about the beer industry and the people who inhabit it.  I'm unlikely to work in the industry myself for many reasons, mainly due to my inability to cultivate contacts and general lack of motivation and interest in other people.

As it is, I only get 3000 hits a month so it's doubtful anyone powerful spends a great deal of time here.  But that's a good thing. It means I can say pretty much anything I like, as long as it doesn't turn out to be libellous.

If I've learned anything about blogging in the last three years, it's that most people take piss taking in good spirit as long as you're not excessively mean or cruel. A couple of people have taken offence in the past, but if (as they say) they're aiming to be Serious Beer Journalists, then they'll have to deal with a lot worse than a scarcely-read Blogger making fun of them. For example, I doubt that, say, BrewDog has lost a single sale through what I've written about them, or Matt Curtis had an event cancelled through my "news" about "Curt Mattis".

I've always seen myself as somewhat apart from the rest of humanity, so it's only natural that I'll be somewhat apart from the beer blogosphere. No doubt I could get more exposure by doing beer reviews, and talking up breweries and bars. I don't, mainly because I'd be hopeless at it. I'm a crap liar. But if I did that, what would differentiate me from all the other blogs out there? I don't get freebies (apart from trade tickets to IndyManBeerCon, which I presume now will not be repeated), so I don't have to worry about disclosure. In other words, I'm free.

So, if you ever wonder about something I've written that seems inappropriate, harsh or just silly, it's because I'm trying to make a point about something. It's not personal. I barely know anybody in the Beer Industry.  I just think some things need to be pointed out, and as piss-taking is the only real talent I possess, that's going to be the way I'll do it.

After all, Beer is meant to be fun. Isn't it?